Your mouth is God's brothel.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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