i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
