Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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