omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
