i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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