We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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