Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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