some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
