how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
