I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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