Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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