You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize