Your dad touched me again.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
