I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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