Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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