How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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