I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
