Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Randomize
