so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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