I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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