i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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