I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
