I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
