Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
