I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
