I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
