Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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