why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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