Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
