i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
