I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
