so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
