You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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