sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Panties = found
Randomize
