A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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