dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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