I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize