why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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