I could have mohawked her pubes.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
