oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize