The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
