forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
