I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
