Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My brain says no but my pants say off.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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