It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
soo... how was my night?
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