He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
