He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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