just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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