They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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