cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
