We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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