you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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