I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
