He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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