Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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