I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
